love

I need to hear it…

Why is it so important to here I Love You… Maybe it was from my up bringing where you never heard it much.  I love my parents very much and I know they love me, but when was the last time we said it to one another?

Sure I have said I love you to friends or other people, but it is just the “hey man love you as a friend.  Thanks for hanging out today.”

I the last time I really said I love you to someone and meant it would have been Ashley… Man I was so dumb to lose that friendship or try to date her.  That was such a deep level.

Tonight I was hanging with Bobby (Best friend if you read previous posts) and I was just thinking man I wish knew what he was thinking. Does he value the friendship like I do? Stupid questions I know, but still questions I had. I even left early tonight from the bar because my head would not shut up.

Maybe I am being selfish and just want to hear it.  I want someone to say to me, “hey Tim you know I care about you, and really enjoy when we spend time together.”

I just need to feel the love… I want to feel needed and valued. “Does this go back to my self loneliness?” I am not really sure but damn I feel like something is missing.

Life should not be this hard right? I think I make it harder on myself. I try to think about what people think of me. I feel most people think I am a dumb ass, or just that friend that is there when no one else wanted to do anything.

 

LOVE ME

 

Check out Velvet Revolver — Liberated “The Last Fight”

Honesty

It’s Time to get Honest

Just like the title says it is time to get honest…

Honesty is a tough subject for me, I think I have to honest with myself first before I can be honest with anyone else.  As I get honest with myself you can listen in.

I wish I was a better writer, I feel it really is a true calling on mine and I suck at it.  I always want to type, I always want to get a story or my feelings out, but for the life of me I am horrible at spelling, grammar, and everything there is to know about writing.

I wish I paid more attention during school, because I am paying for it now.  I get so mad sometimes that my parents did not push me to do better or work harder in school, but then I get mad at myself because I did not want to do it either.  Schooling is so important to me now but I am to scared to go back.  I always tell everyone it is because of the money, that is some of it but I know I could get financial help I am just so darn scared I will fail again.

I wish I was better with money.  I do not know where it goes.  I already don’t make a lot of money, but I try so hard to pay down the debt but it never seems to work out.  Money is my biggest worry all the time.  If I did not create this burden for myself I would be so much happier.  If I knew what I know now 10 years ago life would be better.

I wish I had someone to love and them love me back.  I wish I did not compare everyone to my ex that I was so in love with (even still might be). That relationship was so bad for me with the cheating and lying that happen.  I hope everyday I will find someone that will love me for who I am.  I will not lie as this is called it’s time to get honest, I have to be physically attracted to you as well as emotionally attracted.  Being alone is the scariest thing in the world.

I wish I did not lie to people. I am not a compulsive liar by any means, but I do seem to exaggerate to much and I hate when I do it.  I have been getting better at this and find if I do it I try to fix it right away.

I wish I did not show my emotions on my face.  I also wish people would not take what my emotions show so much to heart.  Sometimes my emotions show it worse then what I really feel. While we are talking about emotions I wish I did not have the anger I feel.  I get this from my father and I am so mad that I did.  I never what to be like him.  I never what to be the way he treated my brother and myself.  I know one thing for sure though I will never treat anyone the way my father did.

I wish I could get my weight under control.  I was a good looking dude at one point.  I wish I could get back in the rhythm of going to the gym everyday, and eating better.  I wish someone would push me again.  I know he does realize it but Dan took me to a new level and pushed me.  I miss that lug.

I wish I had a better job. I am so thankful for were I am, because they saved me, but I really don’t enjoy it.  I want to do something that would make me happy.  I don’t want to be rich, but I want to be comfortable and this job will not allow for that.

I wish my best friend knew how much he means to me (not in a gay way). I wish he thought of me as his best friend. I wish all my friends knew how much I cared about them and that I love them all.

I wish people gave me more credit for the things I do.  I am supper shy, but also have a need to be in the spotlight (weird I know).

Honesty I am scared, scared all the time. Scared about everything above. Scared I will never be happy, that I will not get out of this depression.

I wish I felt needed more.  I wish I got more phone calls or texts from everyone, even if it was just to say hi.

This is the end of “It’s Time to get Honest” I feel a little better.  I am going to start writing more on this blog even if no one reads it.  Even if I am horrible at grammar and spelling I am going to write.