It’s Time to get Honest

Just like the title says it is time to get honest…

Honesty is a tough subject for me, I think I have to honest with myself first before I can be honest with anyone else.  As I get honest with myself you can listen in.

I wish I was a better writer, I feel it really is a true calling on mine and I suck at it.  I always want to type, I always want to get a story or my feelings out, but for the life of me I am horrible at spelling, grammar, and everything there is to know about writing.

I wish I paid more attention during school, because I am paying for it now.  I get so mad sometimes that my parents did not push me to do better or work harder in school, but then I get mad at myself because I did not want to do it either.  Schooling is so important to me now but I am to scared to go back.  I always tell everyone it is because of the money, that is some of it but I know I could get financial help I am just so darn scared I will fail again.

I wish I was better with money.  I do not know where it goes.  I already don’t make a lot of money, but I try so hard to pay down the debt but it never seems to work out.  Money is my biggest worry all the time.  If I did not create this burden for myself I would be so much happier.  If I knew what I know now 10 years ago life would be better.

I wish I had someone to love and them love me back.  I wish I did not compare everyone to my ex that I was so in love with (even still might be). That relationship was so bad for me with the cheating and lying that happen.  I hope everyday I will find someone that will love me for who I am.  I will not lie as this is called it’s time to get honest, I have to be physically attracted to you as well as emotionally attracted.  Being alone is the scariest thing in the world.

I wish I did not lie to people. I am not a compulsive liar by any means, but I do seem to exaggerate to much and I hate when I do it.  I have been getting better at this and find if I do it I try to fix it right away.

I wish I did not show my emotions on my face.  I also wish people would not take what my emotions show so much to heart.  Sometimes my emotions show it worse then what I really feel. While we are talking about emotions I wish I did not have the anger I feel.  I get this from my father and I am so mad that I did.  I never what to be like him.  I never what to be the way he treated my brother and myself.  I know one thing for sure though I will never treat anyone the way my father did.

I wish I could get my weight under control.  I was a good looking dude at one point.  I wish I could get back in the rhythm of going to the gym everyday, and eating better.  I wish someone would push me again.  I know he does realize it but Dan took me to a new level and pushed me.  I miss that lug.

I wish I had a better job. I am so thankful for were I am, because they saved me, but I really don’t enjoy it.  I want to do something that would make me happy.  I don’t want to be rich, but I want to be comfortable and this job will not allow for that.

I wish my best friend knew how much he means to me (not in a gay way). I wish he thought of me as his best friend. I wish all my friends knew how much I cared about them and that I love them all.

I wish people gave me more credit for the things I do.  I am supper shy, but also have a need to be in the spotlight (weird I know).

Honesty I am scared, scared all the time. Scared about everything above. Scared I will never be happy, that I will not get out of this depression.

I wish I felt needed more.  I wish I got more phone calls or texts from everyone, even if it was just to say hi.

This is the end of “It’s Time to get Honest” I feel a little better.  I am going to start writing more on this blog even if no one reads it.  Even if I am horrible at grammar and spelling I am going to write.

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